I Want to Be You!

 I stare at her now with half envy and half awe. Her plump cheeks, light brown eyes, that voice that just chokes the room with demand of attention, the conviction in her hand gestures, not a single one of them speak fear. 

I want to be her so bad. 

"You already are," Milly says as she puts an arm across my back. I turn and suddenly the whole entourage is here, having my back. The assembly room can barely fit us all. The entourage squeezes in where they can around me like a shrine. We all stare up at her, giving her speech about something I couldn't care to know the topic off. But she's rattling on about food waste now. 

"Only she could make food waste sound interesting," I mumble. Tilly nudges me. "You gave that little talk about comfort and pillows once. It was so captivating!"

"That was in the comfort of my room."

"All the better!"

"With my stuffed animals as the audience."

"But we were there too remember?"

The four of them nod their heads like eager cats. I smile weakly. I catch someone giving me a look in the crowd. I look away and shake my head. "You guys should go," I whisper. 

"Go?" Billy asks. "Go where?"

Her speech finishes with a smile and applause erupts from scattered hands. She returns to hear spot on the floor amongst the audience 2 students away from me. She fist bumps her best friend and they giggle. I used to be her best friend. 

"You don't need her," Milly says. "You've got us!"

I want to say more but then assembly comes to an end and we rise, give a pledge then leave for class. I catch her on the way. 

"That was a good speech!" I can feel the envy rise up in me in the crack in my voice in the end. Keep it down, I tell myself.  

"You weren't even paying attention," I hear Billy whisper from somewhere.

She smiles closed lip at me. "Thanks." She makes to leave. 

"Only you could make food waste sound so interesting!" I say this loudly, perhaps too loudly, to get her attention as she walks away from me. Some heads turn and she looks back, equally startled and embarrassed. She smiles unsurely. "Thanks," she says it like a question. 

"You were too loud, Q," Tilly says sing-songly in my ear. 

"Look at all those faces turned at you."

"They probably think you're a loser now."

"HAHAHAHAHA"

"Should've just went straight to class!"

"Should've just stopped at the first time she said thanks."

"'Thanks?'"

"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" I shush them. She looks at me quizzically. 

"Who are you talking to?" She asks. 

My cover is blown. The entourage makes more noise in my ears. They surround me like they did then, like a shrine. It is stuffy now. 

"Uh oh. Cover blown!"

"She must think you're craaaaaaaayyyyy"

"Couldn't have just given us a side eye and be done with it, could you?"

"Q Q is cray cray"

"Cray cray cray cray cray cray cray cray."

My hands cover my ears but yet the voices penetrate through. I close my eyes. I'm on the verge of tears. "I'M NOT CRAZY!" 

The bustle of the hallway quiets down to pin drop silence as she looks at me in almost fear. Her best friend holds her hand tightly. Should be me should be me should be me should be me. 

"Q," she reaches out for me with her hands outstretched, like I'm a wild animal. "Are you okay?"

I inch away. "Don't touch me."

She puts her hands down and stares at me a while. "Are they back?"

"Are who back?"

"The voices."

My blood runs cold. "How do you know about them?"

She reaches out for me again, a pitying look on her face. "Come here," she says, ready for a hug. 

"No," I say, "don't come close."

"I just-" her fingertips brush my arm before I can move away, and it all falls away. There are no students, no candy coloured walls, no post-assembly chatter and clamour. 

Only these ragged grey walls filled with mold that smell like piss. And I am 35 instead of 14. The uniform sinches at my waist. I look obscene. 

"Get over it, Q" Milly says. "Highschool was forever ago." 

I want to break my head open on one of these walls, let the mold eat me from the inside out. "YOU'RE NOT EVEN REAL!"